There was one memory she had been dreading since we began EMDR work together.

She had been sexually assaulted during college, and for years she had held herself responsible for what happened. When the memory came up, so did the same judgments:

It was my fault.
I was pathetic.
I was stupid.

What became apparent during processing was that the memory had taken on a role far beyond the event itself.

The memory had become proof.

Proof that the harsh things she believed about herself were true.

This fit a pattern that extended well beyond this one experience. She was quick to apologize for normal feelings and needs. She could readily understand what other people needed from her and extend compassion to them, while offering very little of that same compassion to herself.

As we neared the end of processing the memory, she identified what still felt most painful. It was no longer what had happened to her.

It was the role the memory had come to play in how she saw herself.

She had used it to define herself.

But then she recognized something different: it had defined her for a long time, but it did not have to continue defining her.

By the end of our work with the memory, she was becoming more tolerant and compassionate toward herself. She no longer blamed herself for having been in that situation and could recognize that the wrongdoing belonged to the person who took advantage of her.

She could now see what had happened for what it was: an assault.

The memory was still part of her history.

It no longer had to serve as evidence against her.